HOW TO: How Co-Regulation is the Foundation for Self-Regulation: The Science of Healing Together

In today’s fast-paced, hyper-connected, and often dysregulated world, emotional self-regulation isn’t just a soft skill—it’s essential for success, resilience, and well-being. But emerging research reminds us that we don’t get there alone. Co-regulation, or the process of regulating our emotions in relationship with others, is foundational to developing the ability to self-regulate. In fact, the ability to calm ourselves, focus, respond rather than react, and stay aligned with our goals often begins in connection—not isolation.

What is Regulation and Self-Regulation?

Regulation refers to the way our brain and body manage emotions, impulses, behaviors, and thoughts in

response to internal and external experiences.

Self-regulation is our ability to monitor and control our own emotional states, thoughts, and behaviors in service of long-term goals. It includes calming ourselves when we're angry, maintaining focus in stressful situations, and adapting to change.

According to CASEL's SEL (Social and Emotional Learning) framework, self-regulation lives within the core competency of self-management. This includes:

• Managing emotions

• Controlling impulses

• Setting and working toward goals

• Managing stress

• Self-discipline and motivation

But the path to self-regulation doesn’t start with independence—it begins in relationships.

Co-Regulation: The Precursor to Self-Regulation

Co-regulation is the process by which caregivers or supportive others help a person manage their emotional state through presence, empathy, and attunement. It is especially important during early childhood, trauma recovery, or heightened stress—but the benefits extend throughout our lives.

As leading psychologist Dr. Dan Siegel explains, “Human connections shape neural connections, and ultimately determine who we become.” This means that our nervous systems are wired for interdependence, not radical autonomy.

According to Dr. Bruce Perry, trauma expert and co-author of What Happened to You, “Regulation is a social experience first.” Children (and adults) learn to self-regulate by first co-regulating with a safe, attuned adult—someone who can model calmness, provide safety, and help process big feelings without judgment.

Why Learning to Regulate Matters (at Any Age)

When we improve our ability to self-regulate, the ripple effects are profound:

• Better focus and productivity at work

• Stronger relationships and conflict resolution

• Increased resilience in the face of adversity

• Better physical health, due to decreased chronic stress

• Greater mental clarity and decision-making

Adults with strong self-regulation skills are more likely to be effective leaders, compassionate parents, and resilient team members. But those who never had a model of co-regulation growing up may struggle with chronic stress responses, anxiety, and interpersonal challenges. The good news? Self-regulation can be learned—and community is a powerful catalyst.

Community: The Missing Key to Healing

Healing and regulation don’t happen in isolation. Community provides the scaffolding for our nervous systems to feel safe, seen, and soothed. Whether through mentorship, group therapy, spiritual circles, or trusted friendships, being with people who can model calm, empathic presence helps our brains rewire for safety.

Psychologist Dr. Stephen Porges, creator of the Polyvagal Theory, notes, “Safety is the treatment.” That is, our capacity to thrive improves when we consistently experience environments where we feel seen, heard, and regulated in relationship with others. Communities that foster emotional safety and mutual support become ecosystems for self-regulation and resilience.

Quotes on Self-Regulation

“The ability to regulate emotion is the bedrock of social intelligence.” — Daniel Goleman

“We are hurt in relationship, and we heal in relationship.” — Harville Hendrix

“You can't teach emotional regulation if you’re dysregulated yourself.” — Mona Delahooke

“Co-regulation is not coddling. It is connection. And connection builds capacity.” — Dr. Becky Kennedy

3 Simple Daily Practices to Boost Your Self-Regulation

These assignments can be used individually, in groups, or as journaling prompts:

1. The 5-Second Pause

Before reacting to a triggering situation—pause, breathe, and ask yourself:

“What am I feeling, and what do I need right now?”This builds the habit of responding instead of reacting.

2. Regulation Buddy System

Find a co-regulation partner (friend, partner, mentor). Check in weekly and support each other with grounding techniques like mindful breathing, walking, or simply listening. Connection calms the nervous system.

3. The Regulation Journal

Every evening, reflect on:

• What moment today challenged your regulation?

• What helped you stay grounded?

• What can you try differently tomorrow?

This trains emotional awareness and builds your regulation toolkit over time.

Final Thought

Co-regulation and self-regulation are not separate—they are deeply entwined. To build a more resilient, emotionally intelligent world, we must begin by supporting each other in healing together. Whether you're a teacher, parent, leader, or simply a human being navigating life, remember this:

We regulate best when we’re not alone.